[08 Mar 2002|01:41am] [ mood | sore ] Shoulder is wrapped and packed for the next two hours. They beat the livin hell out of us today. Makes me wonder what is in store for tomorrow. Another 11 hours until the true trial starts. Group meditation we have at 6. Sleep seems to not want to work with me for the time being so I find myself oddly entranced with this livejournal dilemma. Perhaps in time it'd be a consistent occurance. Allyson seems to think that everything is in perfect harmony and that her previous behavior was completely acceptable. She insists it was for my own benefit and that Rachael was detrimental to my mental state especially this close to the testing. Now as far as I'm concerned Rachael's never been anything but good for me. Painful at times and hard-headed but never detrimental. Though she seems to feel that not enough was done in reaction to Allyson's behavior but what would she have had me do, throw one of her temper tantrums, break the door down, yell and kick and hit walls. And than to still not receive the phone until she was through doing whatever it was that happened. Yes that almost appears to have a productive plan inside of it. Now the silent treatment has never been one of my favorite games to play and yet it seems that that's what will occur with Rachael. Her reaction would have been one out of temper which she has never learned to restrain on a regular basis. So a tantrum is in line and perhaps this is the only way she is containing it. In any case I would rather just have it out. She's to important to just let go and give up on. Her call. Time to sleep, only a couple hours until we all go in for the kill and see who comes out alive. If I make it, I'll write. If in a traction, it'll be awhile. 3 comments|post comment

[06 Mar 2002|01:42am] [ mood | tired ] Shit like this just isn't supposed to go down. How the hell do you make people in two countries want to cut your balls off. I've accomplished it. Accolades to me. Only blessing I have is Rach isn't here to do it and the other will just threaten, Rach'd do it, or something horrifically dramatic. Allyson was a girl, that's the best description for it. That whole jealousy, temper, gaurding shit that y'all pull on us innocents. Just gave up getting the phone after 5 minutes when she locked her damn self in the bathroom. Next thing I know she says the bitch on the other end hung up, and the phone is mysteriously broken. To the store to get a new one today, it's on the list. Right after I go to bed, get up, train for four hours, and have a break. Top of my list of shit to do. The other first years and I have the level testing this week which ends up meaning we have to do nothing but train even harder. But then we have a nice week long vacation, where we can tour the countryside. No leaving and we have to stay with the others but it's better than here. My vacation if you will back to the states was a good respite for me, gave me time to know I want to see this through till the end. Even if the circumstances do extend to no visits back to the states unless an emergency occurs. But they were real good about letting me go and than I had meditation time with one of the grand-masters to get back into the mental state I'd left. all in all it worked out and Anthony is getting back into his everyday state, pretty damn close from what I've heard. Time for rest and to put it all away for awhile. 2 comments|post comment

[05 Mar 2002|12:37pm] I'm Tommy, who are you? by Dru & Lexi post comment

right [17 Nov 2001|02:57am] Ngyuzan can kiss my ass 2 comments|post comment

[30 Jul 2001|11:12am] [ mood | predatory ] Time has been crawling by and training with one arm has completely thrown my balance off. But stop training, you've gotta be shittin me, never going to happen. This seems to just go on and home is where my heart lies. Rachael, you've gotta pick yourself up baby. Put your chin up and fight it out. I know it's not easy and you're scared but you'll be just fine. I can't tell you how much you mean to me and I know right now you're not in the mood to trust anyone. But baby, you'll not overcome anything without it. Maryland is calling your name and I think you should go for it. You'll still be able to visit and I'll work something out. You can come out for a week with Natalie I'm sure you two would enjoy that especially with her friend moving out here too. Who knows you two could move here for good. Not likely but we can dream right. It's not your nature to sit there and take it, we've gotten through a hell of a lot worse and you know that you're strong enough on your own. You were the one sitting there and telling me that remember. It's all or nothing baby and it's your choice and yours alone. So make it stick to it and never look back. Doors that you close now you must not ever look back at the what if's and remember that the door may not open the next time you turn so don't lock the door if you're not absolutely sure that you don't want to open it again...Jill's infamous quote. Easy isn't going to happen this time and you know it. But you don't need anyone to take you by the hand. It hurts I know and I'll be damned if I don't want to beat someone up but one armed and all it wouldn't happen. So it's your time my dear. Stand up and show me what you got. I believe in you... And yes I do know the journal is for clearing your mind not communicating with people...but I know you'll read this and after the conversation that we just had I felt it was necessary... ***I love you baby, don't ever forget it*** post comment

[17 Jul 2001|01:20pm] Promises You better believe I'm coming You better believe what I say You better hold on to your promises Because you bet, you'll get what you deserve She's going to leave him over She's gonna take her love away So much for your eternal vows, well It does not matter anyway Why can't you stay here awhile Stay here awhile Stay with me Oh, all the promises we made All the meaningless and empty words I prayed, prayed, prayed Oh, all the promises we broke All the meaningless and empty words I spoke, spoke, spoke Do-do-do Do-do-do Do-do-do Do-do-do What of all the things that you taught me What of all the things that you'd say What of all your prophetic preaching You're just throwing it all away Maybe we should burn the house down have ourselves another fight Leave the cobwebs in the closet Cos tearing them out is just not right Why can't you stay here awhile Stay here awhile Stay with me, oh, oh Oh, all the promises we made All the meaningless and empty words I prayed, prayed, prayed Oh, all the promises we broke All the meaningless and empty words I spoke, spoke, spoke Oh eh, oh eh, oh eh, oh eh. Oh Eh X 3 Do-do-do Do-do-do Do-do-do Do-do-do post comment

[06 Jul 2001|01:10pm] How will I ever know what you're feelin' How will I ever know what to do If you simply refuse to tell me What's goin' on inside of you Have a little faith in me Baby can't you see You've got to talk to me How can I even know how to help you How can I ever know what to say If every time your heart is hurtin' You turn from me and walk away Have a little faith in me Baby can't you see You've got to talk to me No you don't have to lie Look into my eyes There's nothin' here but love for you You don't have to feel alone Let me share the load There's nothin' more I'd rather do I'm the one you can always turn to I'm the one who will stand by your side My love for you is forever You don't ever have to run away and hide Have a little faith in me Baby can't you see You've got to talk to me post comment

Damn [03 Jul 2001|10:33am] [ mood | irritated ] Well hell, what the fuck I'm supposed to do is currently beyond comprehension for me. Starts about five days ago. Friday we had a competition and I wound up with a broken arm. Had I kept position I would have been fine but I turned and it snapped. Screwed that is what it boils down to. The break is all the way through so that's wonderful. Bout as wonderful as watchin chick flicks on a Friday night, not at all. Training, competition, and all pertaining to my sport are suspended indefinitely. The trainers are extremely tolerant and yet I'm feeling their displeasure. What the hell can I do about it. Home sounds real great about now. My parents flew out when they heard what happened, way to go mom. Had to take care of her little boy. They had a great time and left a couple hours ago. It was very calming to have them by my side. I wish they'd seen me compete instead though. It's all good we'll plow through this shit somehow. Only time will tell... 4 comments|post comment

Only One [24 Jun 2001|07:13am] [ mood | drained ] Continuous frustration, the ability to solve all completely gone and left a mere individual to cut through the world just as most. To think that I once thought that I understood how it all was to be put together and yet once again I find myself in the dark. With no ability to fix things as they should, to right the wrongs, and hurt the bad guys. No I'm not Superman or some super human but things used to be so easy to deal with. Even the competitions are affected by my inability to find my center. I'm not sure if they'll want to keep me on in this state and I know that if I do get asked to leave there is no way in hell that they will take me back for a second run. This is it and I need to make it count. So much easier said than done. But now it's time to buckle down and get my shit straight. Rachael gave me some advice last night, heaven forbid I interupt her man hating sessions with Cassidy but tough luck. Now this is how we shall know that we belong to the truth and reassure our hearts before him in whatever our hearts condemn, for God is greater than our hearts and knows everything. Beloved, if hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence in God and receive from him whatever we ask, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. And his commandment is this: we should believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another just as he commanded us. Those who keep his commandments remain in him, and he in them, and the way we know that he remains in us is from the Spirit that he gave us. You cannot do this on your own you nee to bring your focus back to God Preston. And you will find it hard at first and yet it will become ever so natural if you'd just give it an honest chance. I promise God will never leave your side. He and the trinity are always there when you feel alone and you can't take it anymore...turn to God, not me, remember who created you because he loves you more than anything. Turn to him, he'll always be there. post comment

[18 Jun 2001|09:19pm] [ mood | contemplative ] What are we doing here. Is there really a point or do we roam aimlessly through the days, through our lives, hoping and praying that there is something more. Begging for things and lives to change when in reality unless action is taken from thyself it will never happen. To continue down this road of destruction, never taking others into consideration is going to get us nowhere. It's not just men and it's not singularily women, it's everyone. People do not stop to think of how what they do will in no uncertain circumstances come to affect those that surround them. That we as friends, family, lovers and acquaintances have a certain amount of responsibility to own up to. If that responsibility cannot be seen as your own because you're to goddamn immature to take it you're fucking everyone else over. There comes a point when others have had just enough to push them over the edge. The constant denial makes me sick. If the blame would stop being pushed around shoved around the table like the potatoe that nobody wants, for Christ's sake, throw the damn thing outside for the squirrels. If something happens there is a reason, there are reasons that these "awful things just keep happening to you". Could it be that you shouldn't lie, shouldn't sleep with random men, shouldn't screw around on your girlfriend, shouldn't skip class, shouldn't drink, shouldn't smoke up...whatever. Immature and irresponsible actions are the cause of much pain in this world and perhaps those of you who take part in them, not that everyone doesn't at some time should stop and think, stop and wonder if maybe this isn't such a terrific idea instead of being dumbasses and continuing on your fuckin merry little way, ruining and hurting those around you... post comment

Time Out [16 Jun 2001|09:41pm] [ mood | irritated ] Damn, it's been awhile. Times are changing, people are changing, attitudes change and who knows what else. After talking to Rach yesterday I'm about ready to fly home. The girl has no idea how much she means to me and maybe it's better that way. I don't know how to make her understand, to get it through her thick head. God knows I've tried. But shit, it hasn't worked so far. This is when I hate being over here, when I'm on the phone and she's crying and I'd give anything to just hold her. Hell I could solve half the problem for her and the kid wouldn't know what hit him. A lot of things would be different if any of us were there, this never would have happened in the first place because we wouldn't have let it. One time of us all chillin and any bad vibes would have been the last. But there are reasons for everything and the reasons aren't always clear, right now they're looking like that pond thing with all the goldfish down the road. Lillipads, frogs, and algae...not good. Perhpas this is what will finally clear everything. I'm not sure. But her moving is a huge shock to me. I don't think I ever saw it coming, her talking Arizona I knew wouldn't fly but she's serious this time and it'll happen within a month. She better tie up all the loose ends before it all just takes off for a year and then when she comes back she'll know not what to do. Okay, enough worrrying. Not that that's going to stop anything but I'm just gonna call her in an hour and try to clear some more up. Competitions are flying over here and my numbers, points, and morale are way up. That's a definite plus. And just for you Rach if you do read this it's Budo Taijutsu. Not that combination thingy karate somethinorother. Anyways, new chick, Taquan. We'll see how it works. It's time to go stretch out, an hour of yoga, call Rach, and go to bed. Peace out 1 comment|post comment

Visions Kept Inside [01 Jun 2001|05:16am] [ mood | pissed off ] Practicing the act of keeping everything all bottled up and not really letting anyone come to know you what you're really thinking is something that everyone tends to do at some point in their life. But when the act ends up hurting you and those around you it's not something you should keep up. Those friends of mine back home know to whom this refers and it's not just one person. But it seems like with the group that I consistently find myself with there is pain that nobody is supposed to see or feel, there is frustration that is never let out, and there is the past, the past can never be changed and yet it is always there and doesn't ever go away. People are ruled by outer emotions, feelings, and societies view of their lives. And all along you watch and think why the hell would anyone give a flying fuck? Why does it matter, in your lifetime you have to answer to two people. One is yourself and the other is God. In the end the way you have acted will be judged and then you'll receive your due. But during your life and in the here and now you answer to yourself. You have to see things as how they'll affect your morals, fit with your conscience, and how you'll better yourself by whatever it is that you're doing. How people that are outside your circle perceive anything in your life is not important. There are those that say that that's how they live. But in all actuality nobody really lives that way. The time has come to just let it go, learn to live where you are and how you want to and in the end you'll be a better person for it. I am going to be here for another two years and 9 months so reminiscing about home, friends, Rachael, Adagio, partying, and whatever else isn't going to get me anywhere. It's now that I see that at four thirty in the goddamn morning. It's time to let that be a part of me never forgotten or pushed away but in order to focus and find my inner peace here and find my new center it cannot stay primary focus. Such things shall hurt and won't be easy but in the long run it shall be the right way. 3 comments|post comment

nite [28 May 2001|04:24am] Can hear the ocean from here, just havin the window open. Should be peaceful but not much is. Competitions are on break for a week, that's about it. But training doesn't ever quit, nice to think about though, just never going to occur. There is some serious ass kicking that should be done back home, well actually a couple states away. What the fuck is wrong with some people, Jesus Jennie, how old are we. And yet the high school mentality of things that this Jordan guy has is absolutely grade school level. Talked to my mom and I still can't get through a conversation without her breaking down sobbing. The fact that I won't be home for christmas is really upsetting her even though it's fuckin 6 months away. Haven't really figured that out yet. Rachael has gotten better about it. Never thought she'd stop when I left, but she came through alright. Cal, damn he's all pimpin it out in the Carolinas. Tee, Britten, and Brandi sent a "care package", never knew you included condoms, flavored whipped cream and sandals-what the hell;). Tired as hell and training is in four hours. Peace out--- 1 comment|post comment

Well Damn [22 May 2001|11:14am] One of the things that I hate the most about being over here is the fact that when my friends are hurting that I can't help them. Helpless, fuckin weak as hell is how it feels. There's not a damn thing that I can do, and shit prolly wouldn't do much if I was back home but at least I'd be there which is a hell of a lot better than sitting on my ass reading some damn journal entry telling me how much one of my best friends is hurting. Fuck that shit. I'm supposed to do this for three goddamn years, just sit back and twiddle my fingers as things happen? Perhaps that was something that I didn't take into consideration when I accepted this task. Maybe I should have thought about it more and yet I love this, yeah it sucked for awhile and I still hate some of the training. But I'm winning I have competition and I have a chance to improve myself and follow my dream. Everything that you do in life you have to sacrifice if it ends up being worth anything but to sacrifice my friends family and life? Will things be the same will I be able to have the same level of friendships who the hell knows I sure don't. Seems like all I do on this damn journal is bitch. Maybe because the only time I write on it is when I haven't heard from Rachael and then when I see what is going on doesn't really put me in a great mood. Damn it all to hell. Rachael if you read this call me. I need to hear your voice and know that you're alright cause right now I am climbing up a fuckin wall. post comment

A Title? [18 May 2001|02:42am] Talk about insomnia, I hate this damn computer and now I'm on typing on a journal? Rachael you suck! How I let you convince me to do this is beyond my coherent thought at this point in time. Guess I'll give it a shot and hell maybe it'll prove itself sometime. Can't diss it till you try it. It's been about two months now since the big move and my body still goes through these periods where it wants to be back in America. Crazy to think that it's Friday here and in Michigan there's a thirteen hour time change. Hell they're still workin on Thursday. Today is just going to be one of those days, when nothing feels good. The training is murder, no pain no gain right, I should be at the top of the damn mountain by now. The competition is so much stronger here. I get my ass kicked on a pretty regular basis, there are days where I sit and wonder why the hell I ever agreed to come over here. And who the fuck was I kiddin when I said I'd do it for three goddamn years. Probably sound like a whining pansy. But shit, I miss home, family, friends-even the bratty ones;), the puppy we'd just gotten out in Colorado-shit the thing is probably up to my knee by now. A great dane and my mother names it Adagio, there has to be something wrong with her! She was all black and little last time I saw her. Surprised Rach hasn't stole her yet. Some days I wonder about that girl. So many things have come and gone, and through it all somehow we stayed friends. Why she gave me a second chance I'll never know, don't really question it. There are days I'd like nothing more than to throw her in the snow and then leave her there. Those that she looks like a lost puppy who just needs to be held. Maybe it's time that we let her do her own thing. Even if she gets hurt, which will happen seeing as she's as stubborn as all hell. But what the fuck can I do about it. Not a goddamn thing. I sound like a pansy. ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT. Nice, three more hours and I'll be on a 10 mile run, I'm fucked. Once again what the hell is this supposed to do for you? I'm not visualizing anything positive. 1 comment|post comment

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